This has been one of the most entertaining threads ever posted at FM-Britain, and we would like to share it. The author is JordanC, who runs the new Get Sacked! blog and lately impressed the scene with his first podcast at www.getsacked.net. There you will find more of his brilliant satires, regularly every Monday. Additionally you may see several articles written by Jordan for FM-Britain in future.

I was writing this as a funny response to another thread claiming that we should all be paid for testing the game due to SI’s incompetence. I got so carried away, I just had to make it a new thread…

Apparently this is how the progression of an SIG poster goes:

1. Pester SI on when the new release is going to come out, the date, where to buy it, etc. Make it hard to differentiate yourself between an enthusiatic FM gamer or a hardcore crack addict.

2. When the release date is set, ask repeatedly about shipping because of course, you must get the game the absolute first second it comes out.

3. Before opening the box, post 17 threads asking when the patch is coming out.

4. Play the game unpatched for 36 hours straight.

5. Regardless of your exact experiences with the new version, agree incessently with everyone posting negative comments. It is key to get banned by two seperate moderators five times each using 29 different aliases.

6. Write a thesis with notarized witness accounts and MIT statistical backup highlighting the obvious engine flaw. Post this on the SIG forums with only one single screenshot of a game that shows nothing at all. Make sure the link is hosted by a free upload service and becomes inactive after about 8 minutes.

7. When the patch finally comes out, post another 17 threads on where to find it and if it’s save game-compatible.

8. Install the patch and play a grand total of one match with only commentary enabled. It’s optional to snap CD in half after losing said match.

9. Respond to as many threads as possible with “this game sucks, I want my money back!” regardless of the topic or forum. T&T, LLM, graphics hideout, 2007 translation issues, Yahoo! movie reviews, the Home & Garden channel, Amazon Christmas gifts, Cat Fancy magazine, the Hillary Clinton campaign, Nigerian e-mail spammers and eBay - where you put up for sale the half-cracked LCD monitor you smashed into the wall after losing a close encounter against Aachen in the Dutch first division where you obviously dominated the match with 52% possession.

10. After being banned another 9 times and creating 74 new aliases, stop responding to other threads and create your own….and lots of them! Of course, someone as brilliant as yourself deserves the spotlight. Make sure your post is three pages and consists of only one long paragraph all in caps. It’s also effective to come up with very broad subject lines like “have you ever” or “finally!”.

11. Claim that you not only want your money back but are providing such a helpful service and demand that SI pay YOU to play the game. It’s imperative to show your programming prowess and that you’re obviously a worthwhile asset to the company. E-mail Paul C. a 10kb QBASIC maze you created on your 386 when you were eleven.

12. Speculate on whether bugs will be fixed by the January transfer window update or not be implemented until FM09. After being given a status update on the forums by several Sports Interactive staff members, programmers & chairman, make rude comments that all SI cares about is money, they’re lazy and don’t care and even respond to their own message boards. Make sure this reply also quotes a Miles Jacobsen post beforehand just to show irony.

13. In every thread that asks if a new patch is coming out and if it’s save game-compatible, respond “Can you stop asking the same questions over and over again?!?! And of course it’s save game-compatible, what are you a moron?”

14. Make a post several weeks later apologizing for the rants because you just downloaded Xx2KooL4UxX’s awesome super duper giant killer tactic and are doing pretty well. Claim that FM08 is still a little too difficult since in your first season you won your league and cups yet only made it to the final of the Champions League, losing in penalty kicks.

15 . The next day, after hitting the second season slump, post 84 threads in T&T asking for a new tactic. Write continously that the AI is cheating and that it’s too hard to play. Offer a suggestion to SI to make a “lite” version of the game that excludes all of the depth and features, but is just a big “continue” button that you can press a few times until a screen pops up saying “You won!”.

16. When SI releases that there will be no further patches until FM09, create your own website called “SI-MonkeyPoop.Com”. In order to gain a lot of traffic, make sure you don’t actually register that domain and be sure to host it on Freewebs because 9 banner ads per page really spice up your rants & raves. When asked about this subject, tell them that you’ll soon have a “real” site once your allowance goes up. (maybe your 14th birthday present!)

17. Once August rolls around, pester SI on when the new release DEMO is coming out. Make sure you create yet another alias for these questions since you don’t want anyone to know that you secretly love the game regardless of its flaws.

18. Wash, rinse, repeat.

19. Fifteen years later, find yourself homeless on the streets of London holding up a sign that says “will try through balls for food”. Make sure before agreeing to any offers that as long as it goes in the Portal, it’s fine by you.

(OK, the last one’s just for my personal amusement)