When I had just started my first thread at SIG and was still unaware of the FM ‘Scene’ I was asked to fix a broken PC by a couple of friends. The directory had too many holes in and some of the hardware was broken, so I had to rebuild the entire system from scratch, which meant for a 2-3 day job, as I also had to backup, update and reinstall everything. My friends had a spare room and were good cooks, so I stayed over a few nights.

Now it so happens these friends were gay. One of them was even camp enough to request a lavender and silver Maria Carey desktop theme for his PC, which I duly delivered! As a reward (I was a cultural ethnographic theorist at the time) I was shown around the ‘Scene’ in Newcastle. It was an eye-opening experience and very enjoyable. Ever since then, the word ‘scene’ has had special connotations for me. With respect to these connotations, I’d like to offer up FM-Britains Review of the FM ‘Scene’.

The Grand Old Dames

SIG Forums

Once the belle of the ball, the SIG forums has become a nasty, old queen with a taste in spiteful put-downs. Stay in her favour and you can hear interesting tales and discover fascinating insights about the game, but upset her and you’ll know about it. She has had her favourites and caressed them but as her memory fails she begins to forget them and becomes prey to wannabes and back-stabbers. Hanging around her requires patience and self-control and you have to learn to sort out those who respect her from those that are laughing at her, abusing her or using her. She still has a few disciplined and determined courtiers, but even they often buckle and bend under the sheer weight of abuse.

Susie

The rosy-cheeked flush of youth has faded into apathetic indifference and this once magnificent creature, full of colour and generous in gift, is now nothing but an empty husk. She still has enough members in her entourage remind us of her past glories, and is still able to spark occasional bursts of excited chatter, but instead of revitalising her they only serve to remind us of what once was. An ever-hopeful desire that things past will come again keeps her stumbling on, but we live in hope rather than expectation.

Throw-In

Was slapped to the ground after her bitchy nature came back to haunt her and she fell so far from grace it seemed she would never reappear on the dance floor. Her attempts to reinvent herself after such a spectacular fall deserve to be applauded, but we will have to see if she is just mutton dressed as lamb or can mend her old ways and regain some lost grandeur. She has re-found her voice at the very least and is beginning to have some interesting things to say. However, she seems to assume her place on the pedestal has been kept warm for her and may not have learned her lesson. Needs to realise things have moved on, and fast.

Goal-Kick

Still pretty enough but no longer has much to say about anything outside of herself. Her good looks won’t make up for her lack of chatter in the long run and she needs to redevelop some of her old personality fast. However pretty she may be, there are younger, newer and sleeker models on the scene and she needs to do more than just putting on her best party frock to see them off. A little less self-love alongside some harder work and better moves on the dance floor would do her the world of good.

The ‘Drag’ Queen

CM-Frenzy

Currently has the biggest active entourage and enthrals them with genuinely appealing tales and pretty gifts. She currently sits atop of the scene and all seems well. But is it? She gathers many people about her but they say very little. Although the current reigning queen, she has a taste for shrill self-promotion and has been slapped down by some of the Grand Old Dames. Does she have the long-term class and the sparkling repartee to remain top of the heap or will her tendency to show-off get the better of her? Only time will tell.

I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor

FM-Britain

Certainly not the best looker, nor the most overtly attention grabbing, but, as Samuel L Jackson once said, ‘Personality goes a long way’. She is no longer trying to be something she is not and is comfortable in her new dancing shoes. She may be a little too verbose for some, but underneath her prim, school-mannerly exterior is a well-developed appreciation of irony and a heart of gold. Technically, she is the best dancer but is never showy or flashy in her moves. Shapely and sociable, she may not be the one you fancy at first sight, but she is the one you’ll end up introducing to your mates in a couple of weeks time.

The FM-Portal

Style and substance combined, the Portal knows everybody’s dirty secrets and merrily tells it how it is. Her audience is large and attentive to her multiple charms, hoping for her favour whilst enjoying her witty and often cruel comments about scene foolishness. She knows that she will only ever be a short-term quickie for any of her admirers, but she loves every second of it and plays it to her advantage. Depending on her mood, she can shake flashy or technical moves, and astound us with either. She has been a little quiet of late, but when she returns the dance floor will be a more exciting place, the music just a little more boogie.

FMGLive

The prettiest of all the dancers, FMGLive makes up for in looks what she lacks in conversation. She makes the best gifts and lavishes them to all around. She knows she is the best looking of us all and plays to it, preferring to win her admirers through a toss of her lovely locks or a winning smile, rather than over a drink and conversation at the bar. Sorely missed at the moment, she will be back and then some. Her glamour might just blind us, her flashy dancing, albeit show over technique, will knock us dead!

The Wannabes

FM-View

A little cocky, which is a good thing, but doesn’t yet have the bite that goes with the bark. Needs to be seen out more if she is to make a real impact.

FM-Scout

Her main purpose is to tell you whom else you should be looking at, albeit in the game rather than on the scene, and she does it well. However, as a long-term strategy it may be slightly flawed.

Manager Crisis

Very pretty and appealing at first glance but lacks the conversational ability to enthral long-term. If her personality could match her looks, she would be a serious player on the scene.

Get Managing

Pretty to look at and generous with her gifts, she doesn’t have enough to say for long-term commitment. Is too often seen out with the wrong crowd.

FM Formation

Has the biggest entourage but quite how is a mystery. Says very little and doesn’t have any real style, but somehow attracts hangers-on. Moths to a candle? Can see the flame and fly towards it, but once there realise it is nothing more than burning oxygen.

The Old Roués

The Dugout

Once the undisputed ‘Queen of the Hill’, now can’t even sit next to the ‘Grand Old Dames’. The Dugout now shuffles around aimlessly at the back of the dance hall, occasionally making sage comments but mostly looking confused. A face-lift and tightened focus would do her wonders, and perhaps bring back some grandeur, as it is sad to see her in such a shambolic state.

FootyGamerNetwork

A seemingly spent force, there are signs of a revitalization under the supervision of the pretty and witty Portal. A possible return to past glories? We shall wait and see.

FM-Base

Once a star of the scene, now a shadow of her old self. Still has a nice line in patter though.

FM Underground

Hinting at returning to past glories, but thus far all talk and no walk. Would be nice to see her back.

The Debutantes

Football Manager Social Board

A rebirth rather than debut and too early to tell if she can make any impact.

30-Yard Screamer

Made a horrible faux pas when entering the scene and was badly burned by its more established members.

That Football Manager Site

Looked to be a promising new addition to the scene before fading fast.

Fever-Pitch

Lots of enthusiasm and nervous energy, but will she become a player? Her tactic of keeping her fanciest clothes away from prying eyes may not help.

Football Manager UK

Entered the dance hall and then stood still.

The Wallflowers

MacFM

Keeps pretty much to herself but does her thing well. Makes a specialist toy for those trendy Mac types and we all like toys.